While sitting down and plotting out a few stories for this little blog I realized that all my really good stories involve sex trade workers. This is pretty strange to me since I lead a pretty quiet life but anyway on to the next story………
In one of my previous stories (the hooters server story) I mentioned a little about my trip to Chicago. Well on the way home I spent a little time in a real live…..what is the phrase I am looking for….I guess we could call it a “health spa” that allows you to pay for female attention. In my fathers day it would be called a House of Ill Repute but now they are called “spas” (and you have to make those quotes with your fingers when you say it). Driving home we made a wrong turn somewhere along the way and ended up in a small town with 5 huge farms and one “spa”. This alone was odd to me but since we were lost and needed directions I figured we were better off with the ladies then with some crazy farmer. I made this decision because I have seen a few movies that have scenes with guys going to a “spa” and enjoying themselve while others that feature people get killed on a farm….using this rationale made the choice easy.
So me and my driving companion Eddie Murphy (names changed blah blah blah) go knock on the door only to hear through an intercom
“are you Police?”
we responded the only way we knew how by saying “No Ma’am” because just because someone is a Madame doesn’t mean you should be rude!
The door buzzed open and off we were for my first and only experience in such an establishment. Inside it was surprisingly just like some places I had seen on teen tittie movies with a strobe light, beaded doorways and shag carpeting. A very old Asian woman came out to welcome us and ask us what we were looking for. I of course said “Directions” so she began explaining how the process works. This was funny to me and decided I could easily get her into an Abbott and Costello “Who’s on First” type of conversation. I interrupted her explanation so I could say “I apologize. I meant to say I am looking for Directions” and as I say directions I say it in a more animated way. This made her break into a colourful explanation of what exactly the girls will do for exact amounts of money.
Eddie and I realized that we were the only ones getting the joke and having seen enough of these types of movies I figured it was time to stop fooling around.
I explained that we were not looking for the type of directions she was offering but rather driving directions and then I explained that my strict Mormon upbringing would not allow me to participate in any of the activities that they were selling.
Even being serious I sometimes say stupid things to amuse only me.
The lady was pretty cool and told us for $5 we could use her computer for 10 minutes and print a couple maps. Who knew that dens of iniquity also offered internet services! Anyway we went into the back of the place, used the computer, met the ladies and even had lunch (a tuna sandwich and no this is not a euphemism for something else) with the “staff” (dont forget the fingers). Lunch cost $20…apparently nothing is free in this type of business and we were on the road in no time.
I learned a valuable lesson for this experience…………small town prostitutes are people too and never go into a “health spa” without at least $50